Steve,
“The Dead ain’t touring and this wasn’t all in my head. See, they took me by the hand and invited me right in. Then they showed me something and I don’t even know where to begin. But I guess it’s gotta be the Deadhead Chemistry cause the blotter got right on top of me and it has me seeing E-motherf8cking-T!” -MJK, tool
The Dead’s dead but still alive through alternate mediums. Live by the following (while I’m gone) and you just might survive.
- No smoking grass near the homestead, please. That includes on the patio. Go to the beach, the bay, an empty dumpster, or an unoccupied tree house. Just not in or around our domicile.
- Don’t break anything. Be gentle. I’m already down a screen door, a microwave plate, bathroom sink, down a few blinds in the living room, and probably missing a few pint glasses that I haven’t counted for yet.
- Use the bathroom night light. PLEASE. My aim needs practice, but yours simply sucks.
- Stop chasing possums. The one we saw the other night was the size of a dog. Possums bite and could have rabies.
- I left you a surprise ;) Hanging on my closet door, in my badge jacket — side pocket. I think you’ll enjoy it unless you have your own that you haven’t shared with me yet and that’s just bogus.
- Clean the sand off your person before you enter the house. I almost fell a few weeks ago on the foyer. My year old Rainbow flops are lacking tread.
- Stop treating the bathroom mirror like a canvass. At times I wonder if you brush your teeth or paint with toothpaste. (Your mirror artistry is pretty impressive.)
- Re: #5… Keep ‘yourself’ off the couch and bedroom.
- I’m assuming you’re going to be sleeping in my bed. Please wash the sheets before the return date. I don’t want the surprise in #5 to stick to me. By the way, I’ve been itching a lot lately. What do you do when I’m at work?
- Take the smoke alarm down and put it in the closet when you use the oven. The neighbors have complained that it goes off for several minutes and we don’t hear it. I tell them, “Duh! you’re deaf and I’m three glasses of Cab deep. We’ll try better next time.” (Unfortunately, we don’t.)
- Keep practicing the banjo, but for crying out loud learn another song.
- Turn the stove burners off when you’re done cooking. You almost burnt the neighborhood down last week and single handily negatively affected the ozone layer. Al Gore called and he’s not pleased.
- Please don’t forget to get the mail.
I love you and as you know I’m a simple raconteur, but I’m serious about the following:
- No grass smoking in or near our place.
- Use the night light
- Brush your teeth outside
- Stop chasing possums
- Take the smoke alarm down when using the oven
- Keep practicing the banjo. Keep networking. Keep Searching. YOU WILL FIND SOMETHING!
See you soon, pal.
Mike